What is the sound of one heart breaking?
It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it’s the sound of a telephone that doesn’t ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it’s the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.
It is the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces upon recognizing the word "goodbye," it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it’s the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it’s the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.
It is the sound of the rain that doesn’t ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there’s no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love you" burning holes in you, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it’s the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it’s the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.
Destruction isn’t always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.
boo.
Forgive me, I have been too busy dying I forgot I was someone else’s friend. I should have had the decency to consider that the reality of my own pain does not excuse me from being oblivious to other people’s feelings.
I halfheartedly left everything behind because I was not ready to take another look at what has become of my life. So I decided to keep myself preoccupied to keep my ego at a decent point. I have finally come to terms with the reality that I’m going nowhere with my one foot buried in the ground.
My platonic absence I can blame at the realization that I can’t possibly embrace empathy from someone who maintains a tie to the very person I had been crying for.
I will always be around but I need time to gather the scattered pieces in the puzzle that is my life. I thought that at some point or another, I would be able to fill the gaping space.
Weeks passed, however, and a better self is still an obscure image to picture.
So here I am, trying to figure out a puzzle with the remaining pieces that I have. Not to mention that I’ve yet to find a hundred more sprawled in the vast unknown.
So help me God.
[phiLo]
I took one final glimpse at the spot where you left me
And felt that familiar warmth in my cheeks
As tears fell for the last time
For the memories I kept dear,
For the bond we shared,
For the fleeting euphoria,
And more than anything else,
For finally having enough mettle to let go of these,
Despite the lingering pain
All for the last time
phiLo
XIII
05 July 2007
“I miss you more than I thought possible and yet you shall never return.”
