Crab Sticks

A single teardrop falls

into a vacuum of despair

the past overruns the future

onlysorrow ever cares.

I don’t know why I worry

Why I shed these tears of pain

all I know is the hurt

echoing forever through my heart.

The pain of rejection

of loneliness unmatched

not being good enough for you or me.

You can’t understand me

so don’t even bother to try

my thoughts and feelings are gone

My heart was locked away ages ago.

All the remains is a wondering

a fear of life and a lust for death.

Hatred grows inside me now

fed by a desire for vengeance

friends become enemies

allies objects of boundless rage.

If this shadow wasn’t here

If the darkness didn’t surround me

consume me and fuel me

Maybe I could be happy.

My dreams were shattered

Such a long time ago

I’m surprised I remember them still.

My hope was crushed

In so many different ways

Why does a fragment still remain?

To live a life without meaning

There could be no greater curse

To live a day as I do

Is nothing short of hell.

I don’t have what I need

Nor what I desire and want

Both yearnings go unanswered.

This is my story

and when destiny’s curse is over

My life shall be too.

Dear Ragnarok Online,

After a long
time of suppressing the urge to embark in the world of Rune-Midgard, I finally
found the courage to log in and check what’s happened to you and my account
after leaving it stagnant for almost a couple of years. 

There’s that
familiar feeling, the curious marriage of excitement and guilt, as I click and
launch the game client. I really thought that it would mark not just the
rekindling of our love affair but also the moment that I would feel Ragnarok
Online lust again. But I was wrong. My level 99, pure Str chicksilog
Whitesmith, complete with a fine set of equipment, alongside my subordinate
array of other characters, my hefty stash of zenny, the colorful terrains, the
impressive BGM, the chance to reconnect with old gamers—all failed to evoke the
same feeling back when I was still a totoy in high school.

I can proudly
claim that even before the initial glut of today’s pRO gamer wannabes, I’m one
of your very first fans who pioneered the game. We’ve been through a lot, I
know. Remember when I got so broke and I had to top-up my LevelUp! Account? I
had nothing in my pocket but P500 that is actually meant for the exam fee for
UPCAT. I chose you instead. A memorable experience of how I let my juvenile
balls snatched my recesses for a brighter scholastic life, something that we
can both look back at and laugh about now.

Forgive me for
my perpetual absence. I will definitely miss the days back when Ragnarok Online
can still give me an orgasm. Back when I could simply say that I had a spiritual
experience with an online game as a cop-out for not doing my homework and
treating meals as optional.

Buh-bye. *sniff*

xoxo

[phiLo]

Gift, 2

J. Neil C. Garcia

Lost in the sea’s
   unforgiving blue,
   I seek you.
   Before me
   the day unscrolls
   its naked scripture:
   sun, vision’s burning field,
   islands, faint presences
   crumbling in the distance,
   water, the fickle immensities
   life is made
   constant by.
   And it strikes me
   I love the sea
   because it borders
   this suffering world
   and the next:
   the soul, it is said,
   travels in a boat
   from a winding inland river,
   homing clear-eyed
   toward the ocean–
   which is the bottomless
   beyond.
   And I know:
   here, upon this beach,
   wash the crushed remains
   of what was once mortal:
   bone and kelp,
   driftwood and tentacle,
   porous red coral–
   keepsakes
   life leaves behind
   before
   dissolving
   back to brine.
   I am home here, then,
   whom the world
   never loved,
   and from its torn edges
   I can almost see
   it all end:
   an onrushing tide,
   a radiant sea-swell
   sweeping away all appearance,
   gentle eddies
   whittling the self
   till it is no longer
   even sand.
   I think of you
   landlocked and lost
   in another element–
   your body.
   The sea teaches me
   love is a wish
   not for safety
   but for destruction.
   I am not ashamed
   to admit it:

  I love you
   the way water loves.
   Which is to say
   I wish the world
   were through with you,
   so you could return to me
   ravaged, upon this shore:
   a shell
   held tight
   inside my palm.

Birthday’s coming up in two days, and for the second time in my life, I am not excitedly planning my party. I am dreading it, actually. Plus, I’ve been spending too much on trips back to Cavite for our group’s campaign (an outreach program of some sort) which means I’m declaring a state of bankruptcy right smack on my birthday. Iwas libre.

Hmm. God, I’m getting old. I’ll be 18 – not a minor anymore. Ugh. Nothing too special about that now, huh? Oh-kay… so on to my new post. I’m now in my morbid mode which should explain the contents of this entry. I just wanna make sure that if I suddenly die, things will be done properly.

I want a simple white casket, no tinselly thingamajigs on the sides please. I find that tacky. Silver accents would be fine, but just a little. I want my casket to be open. Make me wear a simple white shirt, jeans and Chucks. If my face was disfigured or horribly bruised during my death (let’s consider all possibilities - even the most undesirable ones), please have the casket closed and make it stay that way. The last thing I want to become is the horrible monster that lurks in my loved ones’ nightmares.

I want my makeup to be done lightly.

Arlington’s chapel is nice and spacious enough. I like it.

Skip the peanuts and the tetra-pack juices. Only good food should be served during my wake. Pistachios should be everywhere. Just ask the people close to me what I love eating – that’s what I want in my wake.

My favorite songs should be heard softly in the background during my wake.

Sa mami ko, you are the number one woman in my life. Be happy.

To my little sisters, enjoy life, break rules if you need to, mag-asawa ng gwapo. Think of your children.

To the people who constantly attempted to make my existence an annex of hell, kindly brace yourselves for horrible nightmares.

Sa asawa ko, ‘lam mo na yun. Should I leave the world at this moment, I wish to see you in another lifetime. My life may end but my feelings for you won’t. Ingat palagi.

Happy, 18th birthday to me.

boo.

Forgive me, I have been too busy dying I forgot I was someone else’s friend. I should have had the decency to consider that the reality of my own pain does not excuse me from being oblivious to other people’s feelings.

I halfheartedly left everything behind because I was not ready to take another look at what has become of my life. So I decided to keep myself preoccupied to keep my ego at a decent point. I have finally come to terms with the reality that I’m going nowhere with my one foot buried in the ground.

My platonic absence I can blame at the realization that I can’t possibly embrace empathy from someone who maintains a tie to the very person I had been crying for.

I will always be around but I need time to gather the scattered pieces in the puzzle that is my life. I thought that at some point or another, I would be able to fill the gaping space.

Weeks passed, however, and a better self is still an obscure image to picture.

So here I am, trying to figure out a puzzle with the remaining pieces that I have. Not to mention that I’ve yet to find a hundred more sprawled in the vast unknown.

So help me God.

[phiLo]